Another quickie.

I went around a few times seeing him, things still happen so fast that its hard to remember.. I let him suck my finger some more, then left him to sleep.. then came back and just sat with him. They told me I could hold him in the evening so I kept doing things (going to the nursing store and babies r us) to ready myself for his homecoming. We went back at night and the new nurse says no, cant hold him, he hasnt done perfectly, blahblah. I think things get lost in the shift change and the nurses read the previous days chart or something because we were there for most of the day and nobody ever said he had taken a step back. They were just saying he as doing better and better and then boom, You Cant Hold Him.

Worst words to hear ever. I went from being high on his improvements to very very low and was immediately tired. They keep saying all of this extra stuff he has to do before they're satisifed. First its "Oh he has to lose water weight and then he will get better!" now its "Well we have to wean him slowly off of the CPAP and then the nose prongs and then we want him to a b c and x y z for a couple of DAYS and BLAH BLAH BLAH" and just when there seemed to be hope they shoot me down and make it sound like he will never improve or that it will be weeks before he comes home. I know its inevitable.... but I can't afford this. Every day adds another thousand dollars or so to our debt and while you cant put a price on your child's life and wellbeing, it doesn't hurt any less when you are already financially in the bucket. We are participating in a government program for premies that will help with the bills but it will still be like buying a small car in the end.

And of course worst of all not being able to hold him or nurse him. I try to be thankful that I can even touch him, but you know, it doesn't help. It's like still being pregnant. You ache and ache and ache for your baby and your baby isn't there. You are out and about without your baby and people are staring at you because you are waddling horribly and your belly is hanging down and your boobs are leaking and people wonder what awful disease you have and part like the red sea. I need a shirt that says "Please be kind to me, my baby is in the NICU."

And all this hospital talk, "The hospital bag" "at the hospital" "when I was in the hospital" it sounds so foreign and its very hard to cope with for me. I expended all of this effort for him to have a normal natural birth and I believe in limbic imprinting.. I can't help but feel this is damaging his important early development and nobody can tell me otherwise. I don't want someone to tell me otherwise. I know better. I know I can't change what needs to happen but I can feel sour over it and I do.

Up and down, up and down. Not only am I riding the hormones but I'm having to cope with this. I think this is harder than labor. Pretty sure I'm going to implode at some point.

At least he is off the CPAP. At least he is off the CPAP. At least he is off the CPAP.

Things are better in the mornings. I will be okay.